How do I do it right after cheating on my boyfriend? | Ap
Dear Annie, my boyfriend and I have been together for six years now. I cheated on him two years ago and he found out shortly after when he looked at my cell phone and saw that I was texting the other guy. At that time I panicked and said that my best friend “Deb” had used my phone. Then I reached out to Deb and asked her to cover me up and lie if my friend asked her about it. She did, and he bought the apology. But a few weeks later, I confessed the truth to him, including the fact that Deb had covered me up. We have been trying to work past it ever since. I feel terrible about my infidelity. It affected me in ways that I never thought would be, just as I know it touched him a lot too. It made my depression and anxiety worse.
Aside from the shame I feel for the cheating, I haven’t been able to spend as much time with Deb as I would like. My friend doesn’t want anything to do with her. Every time she shows up in the conversation, he says that she is a fake or a liar. He refuses to hang out with her. This woman has been my best friend for 23 years and she is very important to me. But he hates it when I hang out with her.
I know this is all my fault. Annie what can I do to get it right? – Sorry friend
Dear Regrettable One, It sounds like your boyfriend has some unresolved feelings about your cheating and he’s taking them out on your boyfriend. When you really care for each other, enlist the help of a couples therapist to resolve these issues in a healthy way. Otherwise, you will feel guilty forever; he will be angry forever; and the two of you will accumulate poisonous resentments.
Dear Annie: Your advice on “Believe in Love” was spot on because “Being single is better than being with someone who doesn’t want you”.
At the end of a breakup, it can be hard to understand how your ex can move on so quickly and we start to over-analyze every little thing that may or may not have contributed to the breakup. “Believe in love,” said “He has turned to stone and has no remorse.” She also asks, “How did this man forget me so quickly?”
It is important to realize that for him the process began long before he actually spoke the words. It could have been something he’d been thinking about for months planning how and where he would break up with her. And all along, he’s withdrawn emotionally and mentally. That’s why he made rapid progress, because the process began a long time ago for him. – Stuart I.
Dear Stuart: Clever point. And that context might make it a little easier for the one who broke up to accept.
Dear Annie: Using the word “lost” to refer to someone who has passed away is a word that we have not learned to use in our grief group. Our loved ones are not lost. It causes a grieving family member to have a very negative emotion. – Daphne K., Vancouver, Washington
Dear Daphne: The phrasing is so automatic that I never thought much about its connotations. I really appreciate your bringing this to my attention and I will be more aware of it in the future.
Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].